Promise

They promise you butterflies blossoming in the pit of your stomach; they promise you nights left awake with the sun shining through your windows at 4 am; they promise you of blissful words whispered into your mind to remind you of every inch of their extravagant soul; they promise you thoughts would build you a mansion of fairytales about the both of you; they promise you masterpieces of smiles and melodies of laughs that will fill out your hours and days; they promise you the reality of forever whenever you hear their name or catch a whiff of their addictive scent; they promise you that it's absolute heaven on earth, that hell will no longer have a place when they're by your side. 

They don't tell you about the rotting gunshots to your heart after it ends; they don't tell you about the nights the sun burns and blinds your eyes to the point of permanent insomnia; they don't tell you about the screams inside your head reminding you of the soulless name you beg yourself to forget; they don't tell you the mansion is built in the middle of a hurricane that is sent to destroy every last bit of your future hopes and dreams;  they don't tell you about the laughs that fade into echoes and smiles are replaced with tear stained lips; they don't tell you that promises are not made of concrete but instead are knives sharpened to fit perfectly into your skin, to slice you open to bleed every time their name knocks at the doors of your ears; they don't tell you that heavenly love is just hell in disguise, waiting for the perfect moment to be exposed in order to burn you.                                                                            @M657_

People often..

people often look at old pictures with tears in their eyes,

I read old self written words with cracks in my heart,

people often call their old actions regrets that weren’t wise,

I cling to decisions that scar me as if they were art,

people mourn the old text messages they’ve received,

I mourn lies you’ve engraved into my skin that I once believed,

people often reminisce scents that inhabit forgotten & abandoned clothes,

I ache at memories that become a permanent perfume right under my nose,

people often sweep the pain under the rugs of their plastic homes,

I watch my pain grow wings and stab each part of me as it roams,

people often forget the letters and syllables of people they deeply bury,

I fight each hand not to write your name on torn papers as I grow weary,

people often smile once rusty memories turn into cool evaporated air,

I dwell each sleepless night because the thought of you keeps my mind bare,

people often forget the lyrics you used to sing with a smile on your face;

I draw the shape of your lips onto my skin as if it were pieces of lace,

people often choose to live and forcefully let go,

but before you, life was something I didn’t know.

Two different worlds

two worlds that collided in limited time,

two souls that only know how to be free,

you were my other end of the line,

growing too attached was always a crime,

you gave me a new pair of eyes to let me see,

that just the sound of a voice could taste better than wine,

we shared anticipated dreams and hopes each night,

we silently fought a war we loved to ignore around each other,

we were not okay but with each other we were fine,

we both ache for our own kind of escape with all our might,

two worlds so different yet so calm with one another,

two ferocious waves rushing in two different directions,

a storm and a blizzard destroying its own varied troubles away,

two human beings who needed a good friend, not just some lover,

a friend that would embrace their flaws; not just expose their needed corrections,

a friend that would still call no matter what they needed or wanted to say..

in a universe like this we both have endless possibilities to discover;

after all, we are both two airplanes with different flying locations;

with the same hope of landing right next to each other one day;

because we have yet to feel so many more exhilarating sensations,

with one another, in every breathtakingly beautiful way.

A home that's empty

I wish my chest wasn't a black hole I use to suffocate my pain away. I wish my eyes weren't windows to a home that's empty. I wish my lips weren't a painting of a beautiful smile that wasn't skin deep. I wish my skin wasn't a page of words that were in a language that couldn't be read. I wish my fingers weren't locks that had no keys. I wish my lungs wasn't an oxygen tank filled with weights. I wish my mind wasn't a maze that knew no end. I wish every part of me was free of this mismatched puzzle that couldn't blend. I wish and I wish but nothing could ever make any of this fade away. In all of this there is no breakaway.

You will never know this

My words of you are letters I never sent. You will never know how many letters I've forced together to paint your face through them. You will never feel the emotions I attach to each paragraph. You will never read the pages that I've stained with my tears. You will never realise that the most beautiful of letters are letters that spell out your name. You will always be deaf to my unspoken thoughts I've engraved into each inch of the papers. You will never know how numb my fingers become when they clench the pen after every sentence that calls out to you. You will never know how many times I've ripped the novels I wrote to you. You will never understand that destroying my words will never destroy my memories. You will never know.. you simply will never know. 

Maybe..

Maybe she's blind because all the places she's been to have your face drawn against their walls.  Maybe she's deaf because all the songs spell out your name; no matter what symphony or note she focuses on. Maybe she's heartless because she's numb to everyone around her but you. Maybe she's stupid because she only loses hold of her sentences and words around you. Maybe she's lost because she can only find herself in maps of you. But then maybe, just maybe.. she's just endlessly in love with you.

I need you

I need a real person, I need a real story and not a fantasy from disney. A prince charming is not what I desire; for he is a man that doesn't remember the face of his princess. Fairy godmothers aren't what I want; for they are only flawed humans that only grant wishes with expiration dates. A vibrant ball gown isn't a dress that would fit me; for it is only a beautiful mask that will cover my flaws. A tiara won't blind reality; for it is only a lie created to intrigue you. A famous love story doesn't interest me; for it is only a fictitious rehearsed plot. I don't need any of these myths so many people choose to believe. What I truly need is you.

Days

There are days where I can't smile. There are days where I can't laugh. There are days where I can't breathe. Every other day is rehearsed. Every other second is plotted. But there are days I forget I act. There are days where I am naked. There are days where my emotions are written over my face. There are days where my thoughts are painted on my skin. There are days where my eyes can only see the darkness. There are days where my skin burns of the fire that burns within. There are days where I can no longer be me. There are days where everyone can see every last inch of me. There are days my voice is stolen. There are days my instincts are forgotten. There are days where I wish I could be free. But in reality, there always will be these days. These days are me. These days will never leave. These days will kill me. 

You know it best

You know how each fire burns when a loved one leaves you, and so you promise you will always stay no matter what. You know how many daggers are sliced into your skin when someone betrays you, and so you promise you will always be loyal and kind. You know how empty your insides feel when you are stripped away of every bit of your pride and dignity, and so you promise you will always give all of you away voluntarily and not steal any part of anyone in return. You know how silent it becomes even when you're not alone, and so you promise to always keep everyone else company. You know how it aches when your skin hasn't been touched, and so you promise to always be loving to everyone you treasure. You know how hard everything could be, and so you promise to make everything easy for everyone that means the world to you. You know how blind to evil you can become, and so you promise to be their eyes so they could always see. You always know how it feels because you've allowed yourself to feel every last bit of pain. You promised to protect them; your promises are lost for people who don't love you back; your promises become every part of you but no part of them; you feel every fire, every dagger, ever sting and you give away your smiles, your time, your love and warmth... just because you know how it feels and because you know it would hurt you far much more if they ever felt the same pain too.

Love to me

Love to me is someone who calls you up randomly during the day to check up on you. Love is when someone sends you treats to your doorstep for no reason. Love is good mornings and good nights daily no matter where you are and what the time zone is. It's when someone shows you they're constantly thinking of you. It's when you find their names in places they've never been and see their face in books they've never read. It's when you dream of them from songs and movies that trigger the memories of them. Love is when you forget what pride ever meant because all you worry about is their wellbeing. Love is when you'll steal your own smile off of your face and promise to give them every smile you'll ever have. It's when you promise them the best of you and vow to never shed your worst to them. It's when you take all of the weight they carry till your own back aches. Love is when you don't remind them of their faults and constantly promise them that they're more than perfect. It's when you let them go if it means it's better for them in the long run. It's when you vow to make them happy no matter what, even if it means you'll end up being depressed. It's when you allow them to leave and come back just as they please to give them the comfort they need. It's when you listen to their voice for hours and hours complaining about silly things, but you remain by their side, showing how each word that leaves them is more important than anything else in this whole world. Love is when you give yourself away, you surrender all of you to them even if they didn't ask you to; love is when you become completely entitled to them, so entitled that everyone else don't just blur out of your vision, but they ultimately disappear and all you see, breathe, touch and smell is them. Life becomes them. And without them, life isn't worth living for. Love is you and when there's no you, I forget what love is. 

A writer

I believe writers are the most experienced when it comes to putting themselves in someone else’s shoes. A writer creates people and worlds that don’t exist; they force themselves to live anywhere that isn’t here and they become anyone that isn’t them. They lose themselves in their own life of fiction and forget any fragments that have anything to do with reality. They recreate themselves for readers who are hungry for another life that isn’t their own; hungry for another person that isn’t them. You can find a writer’s own blood and tears in their words; you can taste the saltiness of their tears behind each letter and breathe the pain in their blood after each page. How many more times does a writer have to live in someone else’s shoes until they are able to find their own? Non of the shoes fit the soles of their feet and they are forced to end each story with a finale,. They hunt for the next pair of shoes that may fit better; they hope for another place that may feel a little more like home. But in reality, a writer can never stay, a writer doesn’t have a home, a writer clings to their heart filled words and not to an empty house. A writer is always turning onto the next page after the last one was been filled… and with that, a writer could never die when their pages of words live past their beating heart. 

What's wrong with me?

I can’t quite figure out what’s wrong with me, maybe it’s the fact that my eyes can’t see or that my heart can’t feel. Or maybe it’s that my instincts have drowned or my mind can’t seem to make a sound. All these emotions that inhabit me steal the logic I’ve taken years to build, I wish I could say that it was funny or ironic whenever this happens but whenever this happens it’s catastrophic. It’s a different person each week, each month, each year; they all are delivered with different names and faces but share the same lies and excuses. They tell me I should have known, they tell me I’ve been through this before, they tell me I should have been smarter, wiser, and stronger. But each and every time the person pulls out a gun to my head or a knife to my throat, whenever they pour me with words that hurt, I look to them with sincere eyes and think to myself: I can’t quite figure out what’s wrong with me, maybe it’s the fact that my eyes can’t see or my heart can’t feel. Or maybe it’s that my instincts have drowned or my mind can’t seem to make a sound..

Stay away

Don't take a step closer there are thorns on my skin that you can't see, and if you risk to touch me you might become just as broken as me. Don't try to take these thorns apart they're here to keep me together, even if it might mean I'll be alone forever. If you try to free me I'll only fall; these thorns were built to hurt anyone who tries to come and crash down my wall.

My favourite part.

My favourite part is the silence. During that moment no rehearsed words inhabit my ears nor do the words cloud my thoughts; there is only you and me in that exact moment. There is only the way your lips twitch before they draw themselves into a small smile; there is only the movement of your dark pupils until they meet mine; I can count the shades of grey and browns in your eyes and the deep lines painted over your skin and that bump-oh yes that bump that you hate so much but I can’t help but love. It may have given your nose a slight shape of a mountain’s but it’s another part of your beautiful flesh. In the silence I see you, I don’t hear you, I don’t hear myself, I don’t hear nor see anyone else; in the silence there is only you; there is only you being watched by me, and in that silence I am lucky enough to watch the most beautiful movie I can ever watch in a lifetime.

Shard of Glass

It's quite sad. The more I grow with age and the more days that pass it causes more parts of me to die. I lose my childish innocence and naiveness. I no longer trust people so easily and people only use me more often; it causes my insides to grow cold and it forces my heart to turn into frost. It only makes my heart more easier to break; it contains shards of glass now and I'm forced to close myself up into a cocoon just so someone doesn't break the last parts of me. Those last parts of me are holding onto dear life and I know one day those parts will break just like all the other parts of me that I've lost. People miss those parts of me and I grow to hate them; if they never existed in the first place they wouldn't have become so broken. People wish for the parts of me that they took away from me. People are selfish, they just take and take until there's no more of me left.. and then they ask for more. What is more? What if I have no more? What if I'm empty? Will you no longer love me? If you love me still, why? Why would you even love me after I've lost everything you used to love? I will no longer believe your love. I will no longer trust you. I've lost everything. I have nothing to give. I am cold, I am frost and I've become as weak as glass. All you see is strength and jagged edges that dare to hurt you if you try to get close to me, but in absolute truth I am as easy to break as a shard of glass.. 

Remember this everyday.

Remember this everyday as soon as you wake up:

God blessed you with another day, don’t waste a breath of your time; nor should you forget who gave you that breath to use in the first place. Thank God for the blessings He gave you, even the hardships and battles you’ve endured; everything that God has planned for you is a blessing, whether it be in disguise or not.

You now have another day to right your wrongs, you won’t do anything perfectly today so don’t be surprised if a lot of things go wrong; that doesn’t mean you can’t try again and improve the next time. Don’t give up, this is your life and you’re the one in charge of it. Everything will play out how it’s supposed to play out; just have faith and believe in yourself, if you can’t have faith in yourself then how can you expect others to?

Be kind to the people around you. You might be having a rough day or you simply didn’t have any coffee or food yet; we all get moody, it’s okay, we can’t plaster on happiness the way women plaster make up on but that doesn’t mean you can’t remember to say your please and thank you’s. Those people cleaning after you, those people feeding you, the family that nurtures you and the friends that care for you; show your kindness and appreciation to the whole world, even the bad people need some love and kindness; you never know, you can start a change in society today with a small act of goodness by starting with yourself; be the change and beginning you hope to see in the world you’re living in. 

Be safe. The world is dangerous messy place to live in but even in that dangerous mess there’s a whole lot of beauty in it. Don’t get sucked into the darkness 

today; stay close to the light and remain optimistic. Read the news, be aware of what’s happening outside your bubble and try to help others in need. Being grateful for your blessings isn’t by just reciting Al Hamdulillah, it’s also through your actions; don’t forget about humanity.

Most importantly, don’t forget about yourself. You exist too. Love yourself today and also be kind to your own body, mind and soul; God has loved you enough to create you and you should love Him and yourself as much. Eat good food, go out and enjoy yourself, call a friend up and grab a bite to eat, go take your pet out for a walk, meet a new person or discover a new destination, visit a distant relative, buy yourself a new pair of pants or find a lovely book to read in your favourite spot; do whatever that makes you happy; feed your mind with new intelligence today; feed your soul with new light; feed your body with new strengths; keep feeding yourself till you are bursting with light and radiance.

The Ending, Part 3

Hey! I hope you all had a lovely Eid. The holiday’s nearly over so before I get crammed with uni work, why not write once more? I got a sudden need to write randomly so I’m taking it out on the story. Hope you enjoy the new part, to whoever is reading this THANK YOU for reading, from the bottom of my heart it means the world to me just knowing there’s at least one reader out there reading my words. I only hope you enjoy them as much as I enjoy writing them. xx

“Life doesn’t always introduce you to the people you want to meet. Sometimes life puts you in touch with the people you need to meet - to help you, to hurt you, to leave you, to love you, and to gradually strengthen you into the person you were meant to become.” - Unknown.

-

Previously in Part 2:

“Don’t!” I shook my head in disgust, all the curiosity in me died away at her childish behaviour. I suddenly didn’t want any part of this. I was involved for too long and all it did was cause me more problems. I couldn’t take this any longer.

“Then leave,” she shot daggers at me through her eyes, I couldn’t believe hoe such sad eyes on such a pale face could look so emotionally dead and cold.

“Fine.”

And with that, I left.

Sadly enough, the curiosity and worry that I believed was dead only followed me out of that hospital room..

That wasn’t the last time I saw her.

It was only the beginning of the many times I’ve come to see her again.

-

“Akeed ma ra7 etghayr rayk?” Faisal asked me once more. I was so familiar with being around his presence that it felt peculiar that I was now facing him through the screen; using Skype to communicate with him. After the break ended, he went back to the US and I decided to stay back in Kuwait, I’ve already missed the first week of classes and I was unsure about even completing the current course.

“Walla madre, omi lal7een t3bana lazem athel wyaha,” I sighed, my eyelids were trying to heave themselves shut, I looked up at the clock and read 3:00 AM. It was only 5 PM in Los Angelos and Faisal was sprawled across our apartment couch with a cigarette wedged in between his lips, the laptop resting on his beer belly.

“Allah yeshfeeha w yegawmha belsalama,” Faisal gave me a pitying look. I saw one of the guys, Ahmed was it? He passed by behind Faisal an gave a little wave at the camera once he realised Faisal was skyping me. He was one of Faisal’s freshman friends, I didn’t know him too well.

“Shlounk Bader? Sema3t 3n omk! Allah yeshfeeha,” Ahmed bopped his head and blocked my view of Faisal’s face, only giving me a 720 HD effect from the Skype image of his moustache.

“El7mdellah tmam, ent shlunk? Allah ysma3 mnkom, mshkureen shabab.”

“Tamam,” Ahmed responded before walking off, giving me a view of Faisal’s face once more.

“Yalla ana dekht 7ail Faisal, banam,” I yawned.

“La et6awlha ha? B3dain tet2akhar bel tekharuj w shlun netkharaj gablk? Tbena enfashlk?” Faisal joked.

“Says the guy who’s repeating Calculus for the fourth time now,” I laughed. “La t7aty, akhith 9aify Letha ma dawamt hal course w thalait bel Kuwait.”

“Yalla mashe,” Faisal nodded after I got a clear view of his face. “Salem 3la el shabay okay?”

“You9al.”

We both signed off at the same time and I stared at the clock once again, heaving a sigh. I didn’t have it in me to fall asleep, my mind was running at 6 kilometres an hour and I had no idea how to slow it down. 

“Bader? Shfeek ma nemt?” My dad’s voice startled me from behind. I didn’t hear the sound of his footsteps creep into the living room.

“Kent 3la skype m3a Faisal, ashuf ajwa2 L.A,” I gave him a tired smile.

“Bader wldy, rid kamel derastk, mala da3e et’thil m3ana w etkharb 3la derastk,” my father approached to my side and slowly sat next to me, he was holding onto his back and I could see the pain creeping into his wrinkled eyes even in the dark living room at 3 AM.

“Yuba. Fay eb New York w Faris eb Dubai m3a murta, ma agder akhaleek bru7k m3a omi, bru7k t3ban!” I argued for the millionth time.

“Keberna b3d, shay 6bee3y namrith,” my dad gave me a weak smile, acting as if the topic was light. 

He made me promise not to tell Fay and Faris that my mom was getting worse, he didn’t want to worry Fay during her Masters final exams nor trouble Faris and his pregnant wife, both siblings had a lot on their plates and I was 100% certain that if I wasn’t in Kuwait during the break when Mom got worse, he wouldn’t have told me about the news either. He always believed he could handle everything on his own, he never asked for help even though he honestly needed the most help in the whole family, his diabetes was just as bad as Mom’s, but Mom being older in age and more frail, it hit her harder.

“Yuba, el salfa mu 7rara ba9ee6a w et6eeb b3d esbu3-“ I was about to continue but he cut me off midway.

“Khala9 khala9, al7een shnu qarart?” Dad changed the subject back to my education. It was his only weapon in every discussion we had; he never liked to discuss anything, the way he solved everything was through avoiding them until it slapped you in the face.

“Ma qarart shay,” I sighed. “Bathil m3akom ashuf el wath3, etha ma radait 3ade agder awa’9a eb 9aifi,” I stated. How could I leave the side of the two pillars that held my whole life together? 

“La la enshallah mu lazm et3awi’9 shay, omk ma feeha ela el3afya, ehya bel Seef Hospital m3a a7san dekatra,” Dad patted a frail hand over my shoulder; his words and reassuring movements were trying to calm my worries down but I knew for a fact he was mostly talking to himself, trying to reassure himself that everything was going to be alright.

I didn’t believe in his reassurance as just much as his worried eyes didn’t follow the same confident meaning of his words.

“Enshallah,” I went along and remained hopeful, not breaking his positivity with brutal reality. 

“Yalla la et6awl bl sahra w nam.”

“Enshallah,” I repeated once more.

“T9ba7 3la khair,” he gave me one last pat on the shoulder before grabbing his walking cane and leaving me alone in the dark lit living room.

I didn’t realise that I passed out on the couch until Raya pinched my shoulder and I felt the rays of sunlight stab my pupils as soon as my eyes were wide open.

“Haaa,” I groaned out in response.

“Wake aah-up! I am trying to clean, go your room to sleep Bader!” Raya’s 50 year old frail voice shot at me, annoyed. I focused on her squinting small eyes and her tight bun as she was hurrying around the living room, huffing and puffing as she cleaned.

“Okay okay, 6igeeni b3d!” I laughed at the way she moved, she was an old lady with a pear shaped body; she walked in a funny way, staggering with each step and I always made fun of her penguin walk, ever since I was a child and she’d grab my ear and tell me off about it, calling me rude and ill-mannered. Raya wasn’t the typical housekeeper, she felt more like a grandmother than a domestic worker and she easily became apart of the family.

“It’s fa-aw (four) PM!” She still couldn’t pronounce her R’s properly. “No ma-aw (more) sleep!”

“Oulllaaa,” I suddenly jolted off of the couch and looked at the clock in horror. She was right, it was 4 PM and I slept half the day away, I was supposed to drive Dad to the hospital for our daily hospital visits at 8 AM but he didn’t wake me up this time.

“Where did baba go?”

“Your baba went to hospital already, he said not to wake you, he always too nice to you, he must teach you more discipline, I always tell him since you were child you too naughty-“ Raya began lecturing me as she was vacuuming the ceramic floors, it looked more like she was attacking it with how aggressive her moves were.

“Rayaaaaaa,” I gave her my innocent face.

“No no, don’t give me that look, I still don’t approve you no going back to study and staying home!” Raya wagged a finger at me. Raya didn’t know about Mom either, she thought Mom went on a trip to Dubai to visit Faris and his pregnant wife. Dad didn’t include Raya into the affairs anymore after Raya nearly had a heart attack when she found Mom on the floor. Mom and Raya were basically best friends, it was a weird relationship but Mom was always soft towards her, no matter how many other house keepers she employed, she always favoured Raya, even though all the other house keepers were brought to make a better job of cleaning than Raya.

Raya didn’t clean as well anymore, her old age affected her work so mostly she’s still around because we loved her too much to give her a reason to stop working for us.

Plus Raya would have phoned my sister and brother in a heart beat if she knew, only ruining Dad’s plan of keeping everything a secret.

“Ali took Baba to the office?” I sighed, ignoring Raya’s usual lectures, I no longer fought them off, I let her think I was being lazy instead of telling her the truth of why I didn’t go back to L.A. We referred to the hospital to “the office” in front of Raya.

“Yeah Ali took him in the maaw-ning,” Raya yelled over the vacuum cleaner’s loud sounds.

“Okay,” I nodded before walking off to take a quick shower. I grabbed the first pair of clean Abercrombie & Fitch navy shorts with a random white shirt and hurried out of the house with my car keys in hand.

“Waaaait Bad-ew! You don’t eat breakfast yet!” I heard Raya call over behind me but I waved her off and climbed into Faris’s old wrangler. Only Raya would tell me to have breakfast at 5 PM.

It was a Saturday. The roads weren’t as crowded as yesterday but you still had to wait an extra fifteen minutes at the line of Nuzha Starbucks Drive-Thru. The cars were all parked for show and I heaved an exasperated sigh, I drove the car out of the Drive-Thru’s line and parked by the mosque. I was forced, for the millionth time, to walk in the coffeeshop instead of ordering by car through the Drive-Thru.

The only reason why I don’t bother ordering my coffee at the hospital’s Starbucks is because I’ve been paranoid about them touching anything I eat after I found an insect-not ONCE in my cup, but FOUR times, yes, FOUR times…I found an insect in my coffee cup for the fourth time last week and I was sick of arguing with them.

“Good morning Bader! The usual?” The Barista with the kind Filipino eyes behind the Starbucks counter greeted me once I walked in.

“Yeah A-“ I was about to read her name from her name tag but something caught my eye. I looked to my left and saw a petite girl with pale skin and dark hair. My breath was caught in between my lips and I was so sure it was her. She noticed me staring and turned to look at me, a small flirty smile drawn onto her lips as soon as she noticed this weird guy staring at her- that weird guy being me.

It wasn’t her. Her eyes were a washed out shade of hazel. She had too much sticky stuff on her cheeks that made them look abnormally orange and pink at the same time, and her nose had weird lines on them. The same weird lines that I’ve been seeing on all the girl’s faces these days. Fay told me it’s called contouring and that the majority of the girls weren’t doing it the right way. I didn’t care what it was called or what it necessarily did, it just looked plain weird to me.

Reem was weird but Reem didn’t have any lines on her noses. And if she did have them then they weren’t visibly as striking and in your face as this girl’s.

This girl was definitely not Reem.

This girl was the hundredth girl with black hair and pale skin that has grabbed my attention this week because of Reem.

I was growing sick and tired looking for her face in this ocean of strangers. All these strangers bore such familiar features but non of them could ever amount to the life and death I found in her - the kind of life and death I didn’t realise I’d grow so attached to so quickly.

“Yeah Amy, the usual,” I continued my sentence and looked away, ignoring the weird nose with lines chick who kept giving me flirty looks now. The coffeeshop was empty inside, it was just me, the weird chick with her tall girlfriend and a middle aged business looking man sitting in the corner with his laptop.

“Grande iced Americano blended!” Amy bellowed out to the other Starbucks employee as she swiped my credit card. I waited impatiently giving the weird nose chick my back to avoid her flirting eyes.

I was transfixed on the screen of my iPhone as I was heading out of the coffeeshop with my Americano in hand. I didn’t realise there was a car coming straight at me when I was passing the street. It first hit my left side before I was forced to spill my coffee all over my shorts. I fell down to the hard concrete ground of the street and the my vision was instantly blocked.

“Oh my god! I’m so so so sorry! Oh my god! Are you okay?!” My eyes were shut and a sharp pain hit my knee, it was first to hit the ground when I fell and I couldn’t see the panicked girl with the hysterical voice.

“Jenna! Bsr3a t3alay sa3deeni! Oh my god! Oh my god!” She kept repeating “oh my god” and it only made me feel annoyed, I ignored the pain, the spilled coffee and heaved myself up, not taking a look at the girl just yet. My fingers were drenched with Americano and I found the coffee scent strangely calming in the midst of the whole f*cked up situation.

“Walla asfa! Umbay! Oh my god Jenna T3ALAY!” The girl sounded hysterical, I turned around to face her and patted at my wet shorts. I looked at her and looked at my spilled coffee sighing, feeling slightly woozy under the heat and sun.

“Are you okay?” Oh my god, you’re bleeding! Oh my-“ The girl was in heels and her hair was ash brown under the sunlight, her skin bronzed and her rosy lips glossed. She definitely looked like something way different than what her annoying voice portrayed. If she didn’t have the voice of a hysterical hyena she would be the typical girl I would be attracted to.

“Etha gltay oh my god one more time…” I gave her a pained expression, rubbing the back of my head and in result, I found fresh drops of blood on my fingers. I looked down at my white shirt and saw more blood seeping into the cotton material of my shirt. I weirdly didn’t feel any pain so I kept staring at the blood, dumbfounded.

“Asfa, walla asfa!” She kept moving her hands everywhere in panic, not knowing what to do. “JENNA!” She yelled once more.

“Tell that to my Americano,” I looked back at the spilled coffee, feeling more sorry for the wasted coffee than my bloody shirt or my scraped bloody self.

“JENNA! Shfeech mu rathya t6l3een men el sayara! Sa3deeny!” The hysterical hyena yelled once more only giving me a more painful migraine. I silently prayed to God that this Jenna would come already to shut this annoying girl up, her screams were shooting daggers into my head.

I tried to look behind the pretty and annoyingly loud girl to look for this “Jenna” person. The first thing that came into view was black hair.

Black long hair.

Pale full lips.

Snow white skin.

Dark liquorice eyes.

“God I’m hallucinating,” I shook my head and rubbed my eyes to look at the other girl more clearly. Now I was panicking and I could feel the beads of sweat at the back of my neck, enticing the pain I suddenly began to feel at the back of my head.

Okay now I definitely can feel a head wound.

And a knee wound.

Godamnit!

“You,” the girl whispered and her eyes widened in horror.

Even her voice sounded like Reem’s. 

What the hell is wrong with me today?

“Jenna?” The pretty girl with the annoying voice looked at Reem and back at me, looking confused, yet still pretty… but her prettiness nor her annoyingness didn’t distract me much anymore, I was too busy trying to focus more deeply into the second girl.

I failed. I couldn’t focus, she was slowly becoming blurry and I was now convinced I was seeing things; both girls became large blurbs in front of me.

This must be another weird girl with weird lines on her nose, this can’t be Reem, this is probably another pretty girl with pretty eyes with some weird hysterical voice like her friend.. It can’t be Reem. 

No it can’t be her.

It can’t.

This was probably.. 

probably… 

probably..

“I’m hallucina-“ I couldn’t finish my sentence nor my last train of thought, I saw a deeper black than her eyes; it was as if her liquorice eyes exploded into mine and shut the world out of its light.

The next thing I knew I was blind to everything, the sounds around me were muffled and I heard a last loud thump and felt the last shot of pain to my head before passing out down to the ground.

My vision enveloped and dove into the black all around me.

And all I could think of last was if only I had one more second to this strange hallucination… I’d then steal one more second of time and rob one more glance at her dark liquorice eyes…

-

Feel free to comment anonymously and tell me what you think about this recent post!

Thank you for reading. xo

The Ending, Part 2

Hey! My posts are irregular I know, I post then disappear then post again.. University has started once more so I'm just going to write because I want to, instead of HAVING to. I need to love writing again enough to write with passion, so I won't make any promises on when I'll write and on what I'll write.

I'll just write and see where this thing takes me..

I hope you enjoy Part 2 of the Ending and good luck to all of you, I wish summer didn't have to end so soon but endings don't necessarily mean new beginnings won't be any more beautiful. xo

-

Previously in Part 2:

I nearly had a heart attack once I saw the girl sprawled over the passenger’s seat, passed out and I could see her pale lips parted, her breathing slowing down.

“Reem!” I grabbed her shoulders and shook her but she was limp, she wouldn’t move and the plastic bag she was clenching dropped down to the seat floor, exposing the empty pill containers, there were at least 5 or 6 empty ones and I couldn’t even make out the names on the containers, I had no idea what they were but whatever they were, they were killing this stranger right in front of me…

What the hell did I just bring myself into?!

-

I never knew the true feeling of the kind of cold sweat that you couldn’t control until right at this moment. I’ve never felt each itch and nerve in me ignite so forcefully, not even when I was minutes away from completing my university entrance exams nor when I was minutes away from finding out my grandfather had passed away from his heart attack.

The girl lied limp, not moving and her head was tossed to the side, she was lying on the hospital bed and I was staring right at her, dumbfounded.

I hadn’t noticed the purple hues over her pale sensitive neck, there were bruises inhabiting her skin and I was counting the scars from afar my eyes kept blinking uncontrollably as I kept losing count.

“Bader Al-X?” Her voice startled me. I jumped slightly and turned around, meeting the gaze of an old woman; she wore a white coat and had kind amber eyes. I read her name tag: Dr. Gina Al-X.

“Halla?”

“You’re her brother, correct?” Her Caribbean accent was hard to ignore but her English remained intact.

Don’t ask me why I lied. I had nothing to be afraid of. Nothing. I hadn’t done anything wrong, I practically saved this idiot of a girl who tried to commit suicide right in front of me. I could have easily just gotten her here to the hospital and left, they would have called her family, they would have taken care of her, they would have given my conscience the amount of freedom it needed to allow me to leave… yet I couldn’t bring myself to do that. I just couldn’t.

And so I lied. I’m her brother that I didn’t even know even realistically existed. I was another Bader today, the Bader that was related to a girl who had no ID on her, no certain identity or siblings that I even knew of… not even as solid address besides knowing that she lived in Adaileya… who knows, maybe even that was a lie, maybe her name wasn’t actually Reem either, I didn’t know what God intended to do with me today; to test me, to give me some good deed to fulfil-

“Bader?” The doctor scared away my fumbling thoughts. I couldn’t control the speed of my mind, I knew I was panicking, I was losing track of time and reality, all I could think of were her liquorice eyes, those liquorice eyes that were sad; a type of sadness I hadn’t even noticed until now. Why hadn’t I noticed that earlier? 

“Y-yes, sorry?” I blinked.

“Your sister, she’s going to be fine. We pumped her stomach and were able to extract the meds from her system. Now I have a few questions before she’s stable enough to wake up.”

“Y-yeah?”

“I need to know what happened with your sister.”

This is where you tell the doctor the truth Bader. This is where you come clean, tell her you’re just a stranger who found a crazy girl, tell her everything, there’s still time to walk away from this mess you didn’t even create. This isn’t your mess to clean up.

But why did I feel responsible for it then?

“I have no idea. I just found her and came straight over,” I answered honestly without hesitation.

“Ah, okay,” the doctor bit the inside of her cheek and looked back and forth between the girl and I. I could see the worry in the furrowing lines on her forehead. 

“I’ll come back once she’s awake, we need to question her once she’s stable.”

“Of course,” I nodded, staring blankly at the doctor. She looked at me and back at the girl once more before speaking one more time.

“I’ll be needing your family’s information too, your sister’s ID as well as yours, and the numbers of your family members to contact them of course,” her words only caused more panic to arise.

I can’t bring my own family into this and by giving her my ID, my family will be involved by default. I was stupid enough to lie and now they’ve assumed this fake sister of mine had the same ID information. How the hell was I going to explain that part once they realise that our IDs don’t match up? That is once she wakes up and is able to give them her real information herself.

“U-um, about that…” I scratched the back of my head, trying to think of some kind of explanation. This was the moment where I had to come clean and spill the beans,  opened my mouth to begin explaining but the door to the hospital room was barged open suddenly.

“Doctor! Patient 632 is having a seizure!” A heavy weight nurse yelled out in panic and the doctor hurried out of the room with the nurse, leaving me alone with Reem - if that was her actual name.

I breathed out a sigh of relief and shut the door behind them, resting my head up against the closed door afterwards to relax my nerves. I’ve never felt so nervous about lying before and the problem was I couldn’t even understand my own intentions behind the lies.

“You shouldn’t have done that,” her voice only woke up the nerves I tried to put to sleep.

“Ga3da?” I turned around to face her half asleep face, she wore a pained expression as she tried to sit up from her position on the hospital bed.

“Ee,” she answered bleakly.

“Care to explain yourself?” I approached her slowly and stood in front of her by the hospital bed, watching her carefully.

“There’s nothing to explain. This was non of your business. You shouldn’t have done that.” She repeated her last words once more, not meeting my eyes.

“Entay men 9ijich?” I breathed out, trying to hold back the anger that was seeping out of my chest.

She finally tore her eyes away from her shaking hands and looked up at me, she stared into my eyes for what seemed like hours before she nodded her head in all seriousness.

“Why?” I sighed, searching for an answer in her face as she went back to staring at her small hands; unable to find an answer to her own silent questions.

“Enta mu okhouy, e6la3 bara gabl la yadrun w b3dain yishikun feek w ysababunlk meshakil,” she avoided my question.

“Why?” I repeated once more.

“Enta ely laish?” She suddenly looked up from her hands and dug her dark eyes into mine.

“Shnu?”

“Laish sa3adt wa7da mynuna mthly? Okay 6l3t khoush wa7d tabe etsa3d w7da ma et3rfha, shay 6bee3i ma ra7 etkhaleeni amout bs laish thalait m3ay? Sawait ely 3leek, emsh 3ani w khalni bru7i.”

“La2.”

“La2?” She looked surprised.

“You approached me in the first place. If you didn’t want someone to stay why the hell did you even approach someone-no I mean, why did you even approach me, not just anyone, you chose me… why did you do any of that if you didn’t want anyone to stay?” I was rambling, I was trying to make sense of things but I couldn’t grasp any inch of understanding in the whole situation, the more I thought the more confused I became.

That was the problem with thoughts. The more I allowed these thoughts to seep into the beings of my mind, the more control they took away from me; hence why I felt so lost.

Could she feel it? Could she feel what she was doing to me? 

Why is a stranger doing so much to me? 

“I-I don’t know,” she mumbled.

“No, you do know.”

“What do you want me to say?” She snapped at me.

“The truth.”

“Who are you a9lan for me to tell the truth to?”

“I’m a total stranger. I’m a nobody. A nobody that saved your crazy ass.”

She sighed and looked away. She said it once more but this time her words didn’t sound so strong, they sounded as weak and sad as her dark eyes looked. “You shouldn’t have done that.”

“Stop saying that. I don’t know what the hell I’m supposed to do and what I’m not supposed to do, all I know is what I did. And what I did was give a total stranger a ride and she ended up a taste away from death in my car. Do you know how crazy that sounds?!”

“Not as crazy as lying for that stranger and saying that you’re her brother just so you could stare at her for hours,” her words caused my face to heat up in embarrassment.

“Kentay ga3da 6oul hal wakt?!” I was dumbfounded.

“Mu 6oul el wakt… bas long enough,” she had a smile creeping up in her voice, playing slightly over her pale lips and I could see a light in her dark eyes for a second. It was only for a second and that second melted away far too quickly, the darkness enveloped her back in instantly and the smile evaporated.

“I was trying to make sense of things. Nothing is making sense,” I sighed, growing frustrated more and more.

“It doesn’t have to make any sense. It shouldn’t make any sense to you actually, like you said, you’re a stranger, a nobody, you’re not entitled to any kind of explanation.”

“You’re right, but I still want an explanation. Ra7 a7anch.”

“You’re running out of time, the doctor will be in soon with more questions and I can easily make up lies about you, say you raped me, kidnapped me, poisoned me, the list is long…” Her words infuriated me.

“What the hell did I do to you for you to do that to me?!” I snapped at her.

“You saved me. And you shouldn’t have done that,” she wouldn’t look at me nor would she bore any other emotion on her face, she remained still and blank.

“Should I have let you die in front of me?!” My voice began to get louder by the minute.

“Yes.”

“Why do you want to die so badly?! What the hell is going on? Does it have to do with the bruises on your skin? A7ad 6agch? Shfeech?! Tekelemay!” I couldn’t control the rage in me any longer, she was a total stranger I knew nothing of but what could sh have gone through to make her this way? What could it be that forced her to be sucked into death so easily? The curiosity in me was going to get killed off so easily, not when she made the decision to involve me into this, she could have chosen anyone else at the supermarket and yet she chose me.

“Leave,” she squeezed her eyes shut, the pained expression returning to her face.

“No.”

“Leave Bader. Thank you for your help. You are a good person, you’ve done a good deed today, now leave knowing you saved a life, leave before I force you to leave.”

“You can’t force me to do anything,” I shook my head in denial.

“Leave or I’ll scream.”

“Maynouna entay?!”

“Leave. Or. I’ll. Scream.” She repeated slowly. She sucked in a breath, getting ready to scream but I held up my hands in horror, stopping her.

“Don’t!” I shook my head in disgust, all the curiosity in me died away at her childish behaviour. I suddenly didn’t want any part of this. I was involved for too long and all it did was cause me more problems. I couldn’t take this any longer.

“Then leave,” she shot daggers at me through her eyes, I couldn’t believe hoe such sad eyes on such a pale face could look so emotionally dead and cold.

“Fine.”

And with that, I left.

Sadly enough, the curiosity and worry that I believed was dead only followed me out of that hospital room..

That wasn’t the last time I saw her.

It was only the beginning of the many times I’ve come to see her again.